Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
being a writer on Twitter:
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.