Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
You Might Also Like
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
why does this building look like a guilty dog