I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
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I just love that new Pope smell.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
*looks at you in batman voice*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.