You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
You Might Also Like
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
channeling her this year
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone