Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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me irl
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.