My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Yup.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.