Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.