This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
#inspiration #foodforthought
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?