When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today