The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I get distracted pretty eas
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.