Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“I wouldn’t.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
We avoided this particular disaster
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.