Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.