I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?