It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)