Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me in tagged photos
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.