Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom