INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.