Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.