While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.