I laughed at this way too hard.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.