Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.