Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”