Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.