My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 馃槀馃ぃ
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
17 asked what the 80鈥檚 were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
thinking about a very short hotdog
My father claims there鈥檚 nothing like being independent and yet he hasn鈥檛 washed a dish since 1975.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it鈥檚 not cheating it鈥檚 eating
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
The first matador
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I鈥檇 be sneaking into people鈥檚 rooms to steal their teeth I鈥檇 have thought you were crazy.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
honestly it鈥檚 up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
CUCUMBER 911: What鈥檚 your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I鈥檓 trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.