Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Wise advice
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“I’m helping” 😅
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.