I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Worst perfume name ever.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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