I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)