My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You Might Also Like
Born to be mild.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what