Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
So that’s what we looked like?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
No regrets in 2018
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.