My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂