[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
that colleague who touches your screen
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”