I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you