Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
You Might Also Like
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?