Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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God has left this place
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.