This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica