*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Jail
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?