2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.