Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
jesus christ confetti not now
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.