Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
War & Peace
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.