One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud