Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn鈥檛 sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don鈥檛 sound like that.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I鈥檓 not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won鈥檛 let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me: I鈥檓 going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I鈥檓 going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.