me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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So glad we cleared that up
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I can’t wait!
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great