My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You Might Also Like
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
this is 10/10 content no notes
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please