Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy