have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.