I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
some things should go without saying
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*