Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.