I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel