ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
You Might Also Like
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING