If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I wish this was real life…